sleepless again

i can’t sleep. i think some part of me knows that once i’ve slept, the day is done, it won’t snap back to something like before, it can’t be before today. time will always be measured by this day. if i never sleep, this day never ends… i have a chance to fix it, to beg it back, to undo what’s done.
to know that it’s hopeless, whether i sleep or not, keeps me from sleeping too. blaming myself, and i still can’t fix it. i want to scream out like a child, “it’s not fair. i want this – i don’t want anything else.” the adult in me knows that not only will that do no good, but that it isn’t entirely true. i do want this, i don’t want anything else, but it is fair. i’ve brought it down on myself by being who i am. by being who i am. by being who i am. by being who i am. it’s not a nursery rhyme. it’s what i keep going over and over in my head, the anthem of my loneliness. i think of how he’ll never be with me during a storm, how i won’t be able to roll over when i’m scared and find him there, to sooth my mind back to sleep. to calm my fears by his gravity, to pull me back out of nightmares into reality. how my smile i broken, and i feel empty and full. all at once. i know it’s been gone for so long, what we once had. i just thought it had changed, was changing, into something longer, something lifetime. i complained, and griped. and i brought it all tumbling down, self fulfilling prophecy.
my love is vibrating, broken string no longer tethered. it wasn’t perfect, but it was mine, i thought it was ours, and i thought it would always be there, for both of us.
it’s 4:30 and he’s in the other room, and i can’t even be with him in my fear, in my hurt, to calm me, lull to sleep. it is over, and all i have is my forever loneliness.