frustration and faith

i’m feeling the frustration of a child, in this world, trying to understand those things that are yet beyond me, playing by rules that i don’t fully understand. having the rules of others hurt me for their closed-ness. what could be had if we could escape this clawing torturous assault to have? to have more, better, most – for things. in our case, to just have enough. the supposed right to freedom for the pursuit of happiness is the most ridiculous farce i’ve been fed. we are only free to buy into the pursuit as defined by … well, i’m not really sure who defines it. i have my suspicions, but i fear being labeled a conspiracy freak. the pursuit of happiness, to me, involves people, and focusing my life on my children, and my family, friends and neighbors. it involves growing, cultivating each other, by caring and conversing with each other, and working side by side, a labor with tangible benefit. to do so means starvation by the rules of this society, so i’m forced to toss my pursuit of happiness so that i can “survive” by someone else’s definition of the pursuit – by being a hard working “contributing” member of society. it isn’t fair, but i don’t believe fairness was an inalienable right.
i’m not really bitter. just frustrated. and torn. i attempt to understand God – does He exist as i’ve been told, as my heart wants to believe? as i’ve seen in my life? or was what i saw coincidence? many coincidences. too many in my opinion. so i long to believe that which i will never understand. i long to teach my children to respect something i question myself, to swallow the Truth that i’m still swallowing myself. i can hear myself answering the questions that i’m still wondering about myself, but it’s only an echo, it’s my voice through a tunnel. and i’m still the child. and i don’t understand the words as they reverberate in this walled in physical existence. our, or at least my, mind is wired for justice, for order and understanding. i long to skip past all this to the understanding of all. i’m calling out for justice, but longing for justice to be stayed in my part. i’m wanting to believe sins are forgiven, but that means that everyone elses sins are forgiven, and all my hurts mean nothing. and that is where the self screams out. for all my own professions of sacrifice and selflessness, my self still screams out. and if i know that selflessness is the key to reaching God, to having the pure life promised through his Sacrifice, and still choose to promote myself, how can i ever hope for a better world? i understand it, and long for it, and can’t achieve it. and if i understand it, and long for it, and just can’t reach it, at what point is the God of wonders supposed to help me reach it? i know, intellectually, it isn’t His responsibility. it isn’t His job. and yet, He became human to reach me. and my heart keeps saying, i’m just not doing enough. somewhere. just keep striving. answers. there. light. it’s at the end of the tunnel that i’m echoing along. so i try to toss my faithlessness, my self seeking, and try on the cloak of penitence for this season. i know my heart will be ripped asunder when i’m reminded of His sacrifice. i long for my mind to experience the rip that my heart will feel when God enters in. i long for faith to enter my mind, to strengthen my heart’s understanding. i long for a doubtless existence, when my voice stops echoing, and i’m no longer a child in this world, and i understand the words i say to my son’s “why?”: “because He is God, and we are not…”