you know, i’d promised my poor readers more this year. my personal blogging has been limited by school demands and family demands and just… where is the time? there never seem to be any extra moments. i have a few because if i try to cram any more human development in my head right now i’ll probably burst. and i have no interest in reading about the american political culture and it’s regional and ethnic variants right now, so… a few moments.
to answer your question, i’m well thanks, how are you?
no seriously though, i’m managing. quite well. i have moments. but mostly, i’m … would it be bad to say jubilant? it’s crazy. it’s right. it feels full and progressive even though it isn’t what i thought and it is lonely at moments. that loneliness is just not seeing what is there, which is a shocking revelation because i’m not echoing around in myself anymore. that has been an unexpected development and it will be some getting used to. i hope i can do it justice, do it right. there are imprints on me, magnets in me, that i can’t seem to realign. smudging, erasing, they just are. blaring, they’re there. i am a person who longs. i’m intense. that’s me. no point in denying that. i’d like to scoop that out of me, but ha! writing just doesn’t do it like i thought it would.
i have had to private journal recently. there’s more going on in me than i’d hoped, than i thought i could tolerate and still focus on school. it has to be out so i can go on. and on. and on. forward. i’m probably gonna use it in a novel one day. if i don’t decide it’s disgustingly weak.
it’s funny. in spite of being, ok. forward motion. mostly smiling every day. the nature of my writing, what i have time to write, express, press, it’s very… dark, whiny, self involved. i still sound like a teenage girl. which i think i’ve been saying that for years about my writing. i’d hoped it would have progressed by now… i guess i still am to some degree, stunted there, fixed, set point, because i’ve never overgrown those scars and they were just sliced back open. presumably i’ll have a chance to heal them properly this time… but i can’t afford to worry much about that now. and i don’t. i write it out, feel the hole, curl around it, and move forward. i focus, throw myself in to everything i can, 100% – which means i’m spead about 600% thin. standard first child over achiever perfectionist with unrealistic self expectations. yup. sounds about right.
this week will be the first real test of can i do this… is any of this realistic? am i as capable as my hubris purports? i’d like to relay that i’ve already misjudged my physical capabilities this week – massively threw out my back attempting to carry about 40 lbs of wet laundry in each hand while corralling children into the laundrymat the other day. everyone who knows me knows i’m stubborn, never ask for help, and frequently assume i can do more than i can. ouch, my spine hates me now. the cold the kids had is wrangling with my immune system over the rights to my mucous membranes and so forth, so i’m seriously out of equilibrium… and of course, the crunch of first exams/major speech happens… now. hey though, all the more self satisfaction when i’ve still “so got this” while hobbling and sneezing and threatening my mind with sanctions if it doesn’t open up the door to the knowledge i swear is in there somewhere…
well, my few moments is over. which is best b.c i’m just droning on. yawn… boring.
nothing new revelatory. i have some things i’ll share eventually from the private sector sometime when i have a few more moments.
take care reader.